Starling Fitness: Daily writings on Fitness, Diet, and Health

I have always felt like there was something else controlling me when it came to eating. I could always get the motivation to exercise consistently, but eating healthy has been a struggle for me my whole life.

I always chalked it up to lack of self-control, but honestly it was more than that. When I filmed this video back in 2006, I was struggling with a beast:

It was like there was a beast inside of me that wanted to eat as much as I could because Mike was out of the house. To be completely honest, that beast won that war. Not that day, but over the last three years, I have been unable to control it.

Yesterday, I talked about my digestive tract being a symbiont within me. An animal that lives within my body that controls how much I eat. It might be an incredibly DUMB animal with only one hundred million neurons in its “brain,” but it is a STRONG animal. It can take control of me when I least expect it.

How can I retrain the beast within me? How can I make it understand that I want to be thin? It’s not like I can just sit down and have a little conversation with the animal inside of me. I have to train it like a dog to do what I want instead of what it wants.

Tune in tomorrow for some ideas on how to retrain the beast within all of us.

Back in February, I had a nasty case of food poisoning. It was like my digestive tract was at war with the rest of my body. I was hungry, but anything I ate was immediately expelled (from both sides). I could feel my entire digestive tract complain in pain from my throat to my colon.

In my fevered state, I imagined my digestive tract to be a completely other being inside of me just like the Trill in Star Trek. This portion of the episode, The Host, explains very quickly about the Trill:

The Trill are a joined species with a host and a symbiont. When Odon’s host body was injured in an attack, Dr. Crusher must implant the symbiont into Commander Riker. The symbiont controls Riker’s body and both consciousnesses live in the body together. Odon makes Riker do things that he normally wouldn’t do, like kiss Beverly Crusher.

In my fevered state, I realized that I have a symbiont: my digestive tract.

According to Wikipedia, my digestive system has a huge array of nerves that control it called the enteric nervous plexus. It has as many as 100,000,000 neurons. Now, that’s only a thousandth of the neurons that we have in our brains, but still, that’s a lot of brain matter for stomach.

So, my symbiont is like an animal inside of me. For all I know, long ago, we used to be two animals and now we exist as one, just like the Trill in Star Trek. With only one hundred million neurons, it’s a pretty DUMB animal, though.

After a couple of months of considering myself a joined species, I’ve had a few revelations. Tune in tomorrow to read all about them.

This postcard from PostSecret made me feel so sad for the girl who sent it in.

It reads:

I only think about killing myself when I work out at the gym.
I know that no matter how hard I try
I’ll never be thin or even average.
I often wonder if any of the other big girls around me
are thinking the same thing.

I just wanted to take this girl in my arms and give her a big hug. I know it feels like you can’t do it, but that is just not true. You CAN get to a healthy weight.

In fact, it is only your belief that you’ll never be thin that is holding you back. If you can change that deep-rooted thought about yourself, you’ll be able to change your life. If there is only one thing that I could tell you, it would be, “You CAN do this!”

PostSecret‘s beneficiary is the National Hopeline Network. It is a 24-hour hotline (1 (800) SUICIDE) for anyone who is thinking about suicide or knows someone who is considering it.

This postcard from PostSecret made me realize one of the things that scares me about getting to goal weight.

This is the front of the card:

This is the back of the card:

It reads:

I couldn’t find love when I was young and attractive, because all everyone wanted was sex.

I can’t find love now that I’m old and fat, because all everyone wants is conversation.

Firstly, I wonder exactly what the writer imagines “love” to be. If it’s not sex and it’s not conversation, then I’m at a loss. Throw in a little devotion and I’m all set. Maybe my standards are low…

More importantly, however, I worry about getting to goal weight. When I am thin, will people take me as seriously as they do now? Will I suddenly be classified as a ditz just because I’m physically fit? Will they only think of me a sex object and never listen to a word I say? This is something that I thought I had dealt with long ago, but I guess it’s something that still frightens me a bit.

Of course, another side of me thinks that after a lifetime of being taken seriously, it might be a little nice being treated like a sex object for once…

PostSecret‘s beneficiary is the National Hopeline Network. It is a 24-hour hotline (1 (800) SUICIDE) for anyone who is thinking about suicide or knows someone who is considering it.

This postcard from PostSecret shocked me.

It reads:

I think she looked more beautiful before.

The reason this postcard shocked me is because I have seen that woman a hundred times before. She is in an ad for Hydroxycut diet pills in the back of every magazine I’ve read over the last few months. When I was looking for a good photo to use for visualizing myself at the end of my weight loss journey, I actually considered using this one.

I can’t say that I think she looked more beautiful in the before photo. I think both snapshots have been photoshopped beyond recognition. It’s one of the reasons I chose not to use the after photo for my own visualization. It didn’t look real.

As far as I think I’ve come with fat acceptance, I can’t look at the before photo and think she looked better that way. I wonder if I every will…

PostSecret‘s beneficiary is the National Hopeline Network. It is a 24-hour hotline (1 (800) SUICIDE) for anyone who is thinking about suicide or knows someone who is considering it.

Kathy Henderson at Rudd Sound Bites brought up a real concern with no answers:

• Rudd Sound Bites: It’s About Respect

Why is it that people are generally so much more respectful of parents’ food-related decisions due to allergies or religion, but not of these same decisions when framed as nutrition- or weight management-based? Is it the immediacy of an allergic reaction that drives the point home? The apparent severity? And why is religion a more respected explanation than general health? Perhaps it is the idea that one “violation” will have little impact on health, while we see violation of religious tradition as a bigger deal. On the other hand, there is no evidence that one cigarette will cause major health consequences, and most of us would be pretty upset if our children were offered one cigarette. The reality is that many more children are impacted by poor nutrition and weight problems than are affected by food allergies.

This reaction doesn’t just affect parents and children. When I had severe stomach problems, no one questioned when I said that I couldn’t eat something, especially when they saw (or smelled) me suffer through an episode. Now that my stomach problems have subsided, however, people are much less willing to let me say I don’t want to eat something. They say things like:

Come one, just a small slice.

You can have just one, right?

Oh? Are you dieting… AGAIN?

I almost want to make up fake allergies or stomach ailments just to escape from the talk. They are right, just one small slice of pie isn’t going to derail my weight, but it DOES derail my eating habits for a couple of days.

It all comes down to training those around us to respect our eating decisions. The oldest cliche about respect is:

If you want respect, you have to give it.

No matter who you encounter in your life, respect their eating decisions. If they are a raw food vegan, that choice is theirs to make. If they are a junk food junkie, that is also their choice. If you treat others the way you want to be treated, then they will have more respect for you. That includes keeping those barbs to yourself:

Don’t you think you’ve had enough?

I can’t believe you eat that crap.

You know that isn’t cheese, don’t you? It’s just orange-colored congealed fat.

When I eat healthy, I tend to get on my high horse about food and let loose comments like those. For every time I’ve insulted Mike’s nachos, I’ve attracted a “just one bite.” When I am able to keep my food judgment away from other people, they will keep their judgment away from me.

This postcard from PostSecret reminds me of how different our bodies are.

It reads:

I’m terrified that my thighs will touch together one day.

As thin as I’ve ever gotten, my thighs have ALWAYS touched together. I have never been able to stand up without my thighs touching. That makes running VERY difficult and chafing is a problem unless I wear the correct clothing. When my mom was at her tiniest, I was talking about my problem with chafing on my inner thighs when I run. She nodded and said that she had the same trouble on her evening walks.

I was shocked. She couldn’t have weighed more than 120 pounds at the time.

As similar as we are, there is so much variation in the make up of our bodies. The girl in the PostSecret card would have to gain hundreds of pounds in order for her thighs to touch, whereas I may never be free from it no matter how thin I get. Honestly, whether my thighs rub against each other when I’m doing my daily run isn’t the issue. The issue is whether I do the run every day.

PostSecret‘s beneficiary is the National Hopeline Network. It is a 24-hour hotline (1 (800) SUICIDE) for anyone who is thinking about suicide or knows someone who is considering it.

Thanks to Found in Mom’s Basement for this scan of a 1943 magazine for Layne Bryant. It reads:

STOUT WOMEN

Thrilling new style book

FREE

Outsmart nature! Look slimmer, lovlier, and smarter! FREE style book shows hundreds of fashions in your size, all designed to slender your figure.

It surprises me that this kind of advertising actually worked well enough for Layne Bryant to still survive to this day.

I know they had to get the attention of the women that were their target audience, but screaming “Stout Women” at the top of their advertisement is a little insulting. It’s kind of like screaming, “Stinky People” at the top of a perfume ad.

In contrast, here is a screenshot of Layne Bryant’s website:

Their current advertising has no derogatory statements, just beautiful women and links to shirts, bras and other clothing.

When I was a teenager, the thought of being seen inside Layne Bryant just mortified me, but as an adult, I’ve come to appreciate their selection. Considering how respectful their advertising is NOW, that’s probably why.

This postcard from PostSecret is one of my fears of finally getting to goal.

It reads:

I will never miss the person I lost when I lost 100 lbs. +, but I will always live in constant fear that no one will love the body that she left behind.

What if I get to goal weight and I don’t like that sagging skin any more than I like that fat tummy? Sure, I can hide it with clothing, but will it make me feel any better about myself? What if I hate my body just as much when I’m skinny as when I was fat?

I finally decided that it doesn’t matter.

I’ve always hated my body. I’ll probably STILL hate my body, even when I’m finally at goal weight. The difference is, I’ll be treated better. I won’t be discriminated against by employers, health insurance companies, doctors and strangers. I will be healthier. I’ll be stronger and more able to do strenuous activities that are fun. I’ll finally be free of the shackles of binge eating. All of that is more important than loving my body.

Someday, I might be able to finally love my body, but I’m not waiting around for that to happen before I allow myself to get to a healthy weight.

PostSecret‘s beneficiary is the National Hopeline Network. It is a 24-hour hotline (1 (800) SUICIDE) for anyone who is thinking about suicide or knows someone who is considering it.

Sheldon’s grandpa has been using an online weight control program that is very similar to Weight Watchers. In this one, he talks about how he would rather do the online program than meet with people and talk about feelings.

• Sheldonâ„¢ Comic Strip: Daily Webcomic by Dave Kellett

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried while eating. I talk about it here:

• Starling Fitness » Crying, While Eating

Until I am able to deal with my emotions without food, I will always have problems getting to a healthy weight. This is something that I still haven’t mastered, so if any of you have any ideas (besides writing in my journal, because I do that A LOT) please leave them in the comments.