Starling Fitness: Daily writings on Fitness, Diet, and Health

220.9: It’s what my scale read this morning and the number shocked me out of the haze I’ve been in for months upon months. I’ve allowed stress to overtake my existence and used food to deal with it instead of exercise and meditation, and THIS is the result.

It’s not like it was a surprise. None of my clothes fit. I’ve weighed myself and started to eat healthy and track my food several times over the last three months. Each time, however, I abandoned my food log and exercise tracker within days.

But now, 220.9…

It’s not that it’s a particularly even number. It’s not like 220 is a magic limit that once I hit it, a panic sets in. That panic set in ages ago and I’ve lived with that panic for so long that it seems commonplace. “I’m too fat!” the voice screams in my head every minute of every day. It’s not like I can escape that voice because it’s my own internal dialogue.

220.9…

It’s not like it’s the highest weight I’ve been. I originally started this journey at 232 pounds, weighed on the Weight Watchers scale at my sister’s place of employment. We joined together and we both saw some success, but eventually, the starvation and hunger pangs overtook me and I couldn’t follow that low fat program anymore.

220.9…

Actually, my best success was when I still attended Weight Watchers meetings, but followed a low carb diet. I stayed under their points, but I did it by eating low carb without hunger. I really thrived with weekly accountability and a low carb diet, but I refuse to go back. Weight Watchers have gotten enough of my money and a bitter pill inside me is still feels that they lied to me.

220.9…

But low carb on my own just didn’t work. I wasn’t hungry, but I did have cravings for bread, sugar and any other carb you could imagine. Something about the weekly weigh-ins at Weight Watchers really helped me, but I don’t know how to recreate them without shelling out twelve bucks a week for the privilege of being taught all the wrong things about nutrition.

220.9…

All I know is that the weight gain has to STOP. I am logging my food again. I am committing to exercise every single day. I am dealing with my stress with meditation, journal writing and sunlight. I feel alone and lost in the world and I wish there was some magic cure to this all, but for now, I’m doing what I know works and looking for additional options along the way.