I thought it was gone. I thought I was finished with bingeing. Sure, I hadn’t gone three months without a lapse, but my lapses were only lasting a couple of hours. This last binge has lasted days and I’m still struggling with it.
Part of the reason is that I’m sad right now. After going to a wonderful convention (SXSW), I came home to Salt Lake City and was immediately confronted by isolation and loneliness. So I’m dealing with that, but I am still sad.
The rest of the reason should be a good thing. My IBS is almost gone. I would consider myself cured if I wasn’t taking acidophilus pills every day. As long as I swallow one of those capsules from the refrigerator every day, I am completely free from my stomach symptoms I had before. That means I can eat massive quantities of food without any physical repercussions. My stomach will feel full, but I no longer feel like someone has stabbed me in the gut when I eat more than two cups of food.
That should be a good thing, right?
I’ve just been taking advantage of my new-found eating freedom. For the first time in six years, I can eat WHATEVER I want without pain. Everything that I have avoided for health reasons and to prevent stomach pain have been consumed in the last couple of weeks.
Suddenly, I feel like a fraud writing for this site because my eating is out of control. After so many years of restrictive eating, it feels wrong to go to a restaurant, eat an appetizer, my full entree AND dessert. It feels wrong, but nothing hurts inside, so I’m happy.
Yeah, I’m happy until I try to button my jeans.
So, now I have to take my own advice and ask myself the question, “What motivates me to eat healthy and exercise?”
My stomach feels great and I feel like I have no answer at all…