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I saw the graffiti on the wall and felt the shame. FAT! It was a word that was used to torment me all through grade school. Seeing it there, on the wall was like a stranger had made a judgment call across the space-time continuum. I felt that whoever sprayed that word on the wall knew I was coming and made it known that there is something wrong with me.
As I walked away, I tried to tell myself that it was cool. Fat is something that is cool now, right? Phat beats… Of course, the cool kind of fat is spelled with a “ph” and it’s about a decade too late to be cool anymore. No, fat pretty much still means fat…
I tried calm myself down as I headed to my destination. There is no way that the graffiti was trying to torment me. It was sprayed there less than a week ago, but the tagger couldn’t have possibly had me in mind when the can colored the wall. That word on the wall had nothing to do with me. It still stung, though. It was like the wall knew I was coming and said exactly what it was thinking.
When I tell people that I used to be fat, they are surprised. I can almost tell what they are thinking behind their eyes. They think that I was fat for a little while and I got over it like most people get over the flu. There was some sweating and discomfort, but now I’m all better.
I’m here to tell you that it wasn’t like that for me. I was fat before I remember being myself. I think my personality came into being the day that I realized that I was fat. Fat is so much a part of me that I see the word on a wall and identify with it so strongly that I think it was placed there specifically for me. I don’t know if fat will ever leave my psyche. Maybe I’ll spend the rest of my life feeling bigger than my body.
On the way home from my appointment, I stopped and looked at the wall. I pulled the camera out of my purse and clicked a few pictures. I decided that if I identify with the word so much, I might as well take it into myself and make it positive somehow. I don’t know how, but that’s the goal.
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November 18th, 2005 at 1:55 am
will hope to read more, i’m still looking for hope…good luck with whatever it is you r looking for
January 29th, 2006 at 10:18 am
When you look into the mirror do you still see the FAT? I do. I don’t know how to see reality of present even though I am fat again (232lbs) not like I was (350lbs) about 5 yrs ago I was down to 170lbs for about 6 months. My body seems most comfortable at 190lbs at 5’9″ is still overweight. Please continue to discuss this body image issue.
July 7th, 2007 at 4:29 am
I’m so happy you shared this. You echoed a lot of the thoughts I myself have.
I’m currently trying to battle an eating disorder–I still perceive myself as fat despite being significantly below my ideal body weight. The negative comments my weight received in the past have made me incredibly fearful of weight gain. Fighting this ED is probably the most difficult thing I’ve had to do in my life.
Thanks for sharing :).